I stood in the kitchen, mopping the floor for the third or fourth time that day which is a typical activity in my life with four boys, eight and under. I was trying to decide what wisdom to share regarding my journey with diet and health in light of my recent diagnoses of rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and my mind was completely blank. I couldn’t think of a single shred of advice to share. And then it hit me: in order to authentically offer a piece of myself here, I’ll have to be honest and upfront in the knowledge that I do not have things figured out, friends. Not at all.
I’m a very recent diet-culture dropout. I was introduced to intuitive eating and the HAES movement just under a year ago following a lifetime of chronic dieting. Like so many girls in this country, I went on my first diet at ten-years-old. Just when my body was growing to make room for a whole new set of functions and shapes; just when my self-esteem was beginning to take form; just when my tender heart needed to be loved and valued and told it was worthy, I started restricting calories and exercising in my bedroom to my N’Sync album.
My whole life I’ve been told that thin = healthy. My whole life I’ve dieted and exercised because I thought that meant I would be able to avoid being diagnosed with the debilitating autoimmune diseases that have plagued my family. My whole life, I’ve meticulously stayed in a ‘healthy’ BMI range by restricting added sugars and obsessively tracking calories, points, grams, you name it. And still, the diagnoses found me.
Because the diagnosis came following a recent weight gain, I thought it had happened because of the weight and so for what felt like the hundredth time, I had to actively fight the voice of the Food Police which was now stronger than ever, “Don’t eat sugar it’s an inflammatory. White flour is basically sugar and is bad for you. Restriction is the only way to decrease your symptoms. Dropping diets was a mistake.” I was back in a relationship with diet mentality because that was my safe place; that was where I felt I had control over my symptoms, over my health, and over my future.
But still there was a voice in the back of my head that was far more quiet and reasonable, “Your eating is not the cause of this and it is not the cure. Eating is fuel. And your body will tell you what you need to eat in order to be at optimal health. You just need to continue learning to listen to it.”
So I decided that even though I couldn’t prove it, I would experiment with it and would see what happens. And I’m still experimenting. I truly believe that the body can heal; that it is inherently wise and knows what it needs to function at it’s best. I love my body and am grateful for it daily. Because I know what chronic pain is like and because I know days where even getting out of bed can feel like a struggle, I am increasingly grateful for the days I am pain-free (or at least mostly pain-free) and can move around and work and care for my home and my children and my business. And because I am so grateful for my body, I have an increased and passionate desire to get out of the way and allow it to heal. I’m learning to listen to her again and trust her cues of hunger and fullness. I’m learning to honor her cravings and feed her nutritionally dense food as well as ‘fun foods’ to add variety and satisfaction and pleasure to eating.
I have not mastered these newly-born skills yet. Not by a long stretch. But I can see forward momentum and am enjoying celebrating little accomplishments like leaving restaurants satisfied instead of stuffed and eating a chocolate bar without feeling compelled to eat the entire bag. I’m re-learning my body’s signals and cues and I’m re-learning to trust her as she makes her voice heard again. And I’m feeling so thankful for the beautiful gift of my body which has been well equipped to heal and maintain health. Learning to tap into the intuitive voice who keeps it all together has been an eye-opening and liberating journey. And I’m looking forward to many more years of living and eating intuitively.
